Lisa MelicharParenting is one of life’s most rewarding and challenging journeys. But for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or toxic families, parenting often comes with an additional layer of complexity: reconciling our own past while striving to create a better future for our children.
The truth is, parenting with a history of trauma takes an extraordinary amount of courage. It means confronting the patterns we inherited, breaking cycles we didn’t choose, and navigating triggers that can make us feel unworthy or unsure. It’s not just about raising children—it’s about healing ourselves in the process.
This is my story, and it might be yours too.
Parenting Through the Lens of Trauma
When I became a parent, I was determined to be nothing like my mother. Her controlling, critical behavior left me feeling small and unseen, and I vowed my children would never experience that same pain. At the same time, I had firm ideas about how to raise my children to be respectful and responsible adults.
I wanted to teach them the value of boundaries, accountability, and self-respect. But my efforts were often undermined. My ex-husband consistently told me I was too strict, while my mother—when she was still in our lives—would say I was too lenient. I struggled to trust my intuition, feeling caught between conflicting messages and the permissive parenting culture of South Florida.
My children’s father didn’t just criticize my parenting; he actively worked against it. If I took a phone away as a consequence, he’d return it to them. If I grounded them for sneaking out, he’d buy them weekend passes to the fair. My children, aware of these dynamics, would argue, guilt, or shame me into backing down.
The combination of external pressures, undermining, and my own self-doubt made it incredibly difficult to hold firm boundaries. Over time, I felt my parental authority slipping away.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that my inner battle wasn’t just about parenting—it was about the wounds I hadn’t yet healed.
The Triggers That Come with Trauma
Parenting inevitably brings up parts of ourselves that we thought we had left behind. For those of us with trauma, this can feel overwhelming. A child’s defiance might trigger memories of being dismissed or invalidated. Their needs can feel like a reminder of our own unmet needs. Their independence can ignite fears of rejection or abandonment.
These triggers aren’t a sign of failure—they’re a sign that we’re human. But they can make parenting feel impossibly hard, especially when we’re carrying the weight of our own unresolved pain.
Choosing to Break the Cycle
I realized I had to break the cycle and it was a slow, painful process to shift away from parenting from a place of fear, guilt, and self-doubt. Breaking the cycle didn’t mean being a perfect parent; it meant being a present one.
Here’s what I’ve learned on this journey:
1. You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup
Healing yourself is the greatest gift you can give your children. When I began to address my own wounds, I found I could show up for my children with more patience, compassion, and clarity.
2. Boundaries Are Love in Action
Boundaries are essential—not just for our children, but for ourselves. My issue wasn’t that I thought being lenient meant I was loving. I knew what boundaries I wanted to set, but I couldn’t hold firm in the face of constant criticism and undermining. Trusting my intuition and standing by my boundaries has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding lessons in my parenting journey.
3. Perfection Is Not the Goal
Parenting is messy, and that’s okay. Every mistake is an opportunity to model accountability, humility, and growth. Your children don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to be real.
4. You’re Allowed to Ask for Help
One of the hardest lessons for me was learning to accept support. Whether it’s therapy, trauma-informed coaching, or a trusted friend, having someone to lean on can make all the difference.
The Courage to Heal While Parenting
Parenting while healing from trauma is not easy, but it is one of the most courageous journeys you can take. It’s about showing up, day after day, with the intention to do better—not just for your children, but for yourself.
There will be days when it feels impossible. Days when the triggers are overwhelming or the self-doubt creeps in. But every moment you choose to reflect, to learn, and to grow is a moment you’re breaking the cycle.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’re navigating the challenges of parenting with a history of trauma, know that you’re not alone. As a Trauma-Informed Inner Healing Coach, I’ve walked this path, and I’m here to help you find your way. Together, we can work through the patterns holding you back, build confidence in your parenting, and create a new legacy for your family.
Explore My Coaching Programs to start your healing journey today.
