Lisa MelicharFor years, I bristled at being called “controlling.” It was a label my ex-husband used often, and each time he said it, it felt like a punch to the gut. My mother was controlling in every overt and aggressive way imaginable—yelling, hitting, manipulating—and I swore I’d never be like her. Hearing those words felt like a betrayal of everything I tried so hard not to be.
I would have argued vehemently that I wasn’t controlling. In my eyes, my ex-husband was the codependent one, constantly swooping in to shield our kids from the natural consequences of their actions. Meanwhile, I believed I was simply trying to guide them in the right direction—helping them make good choices, teaching them responsibility, and even attempting to coach my ex on how to be a better father.
But a few years ago, I had a revelation that changed everything. I realized that while my ex’s codependency took one form, mine took another. My need to give unsolicited advice, manage outcomes, and shield others from pain or failure were all deeply rooted in my own codependency. I wasn’t just trying to “help”—I was trying to control.
Understanding the Need to Feel in Control
For many of us who grew up in dysfunctional or toxic families, control feels like a lifeline. When life is chaotic, unpredictable, or even dangerous, control becomes a way to create order and feel safe. As children, we may have tried to manage others’ emotions to avoid conflict or taken on adult responsibilities to compensate for absent or unreliable caregivers.
These survival strategies don’t disappear when we grow up—they simply evolve. In adulthood, they show up as:
- Giving advice or fixing others’ problems without being asked.
- Feeling anxious when things don’t go as planned.
- Over-functioning in relationships to “prove” your worth.
- Avoiding confrontation by people-pleasing or over-apologizing.
- Taking responsibility for others’ emotions, mistakes, or outcomes.
For me, control was about more than just keeping things orderly. It was about being the person I thought I was “supposed” to be—a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good employee. I sacrificed my own needs and authenticity to protect others from their consequences and myself from their judgments, criticism, or abandonment.
The Codependency-Control Connection
What I’ve come to understand is that my controlling behaviors were just another manifestation of codependency. Beneath my need to manage others’ lives was a fear of failure, rejection, and inadequacy. If I could just “get it right” or help everyone else “get it right,” maybe I’d finally feel safe, loved, and enough.
This realization wasn’t easy to accept. For so long, I saw control as a way of being helpful, even noble. It took a lot of self-reflection to recognize that my need to guide others often robbed them of their own growth. By trying to shield my children from failure, I denied them the chance to learn resilience. By trying to improve my ex-husband’s parenting, I undermined his ability to step up on his own.
The hardest part was acknowledging that, in trying to manage everything, I was betraying myself. I wasn’t living authentically—I was living in fear.
Letting Go of Control and Embracing Authenticity
The journey to let go of control is one of the hardest and most liberating parts of healing. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way:
1. Recognize Where Control Comes From
Control is often a response to fear—fear of chaos, rejection, or failure. Start by asking yourself, What am I afraid will happen if I let go? For me, the fear of judgment and abandonment was a driving force. Recognizing this helped me address the root cause rather than just the behavior.
2. Practice Surrender
Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up—it means trusting that others can handle their own lives and that you can handle yours. It means allowing your children to learn from their mistakes and your partner to grow in their own way.
3. Redefine Your Role
I had to stop defining myself by what I thought I “should” be and start honoring who I truly am. This meant letting go of perfectionism, setting boundaries, and learning to say no without guilt. It also meant accepting that my worth isn’t tied to how much I do for others.
4. Focus on Your Own Healing
Codependency often leaves us so focused on others that we neglect ourselves. Shifting that focus inward—through therapy, coaching, or self-reflection—is essential. I learned that taking care of myself wasn’t selfish; it was necessary for living authentically.
5. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Letting go of control is a process, not an overnight transformation. Celebrate each small step, whether it’s letting someone handle their own problem or resisting the urge to “fix” a situation.
You Can Heal, Too
The need to control isn’t about being a bad person—it’s about trying to feel safe in a world that once felt dangerous. But safety doesn’t come from managing everything around you—it comes from trusting yourself and embracing your authenticity.
If you see yourself in this story, know that you’re not alone. I’ve walked this path, and I know how hard it can be. But I also know the freedom, peace, and joy that come from letting go.
As a Trauma-Informed Inner Healing Coach, I help adults who grew up in toxic families break free from survival behaviors like codependency, perfectionism, and control. Together, we’ll uncover your true self, rewrite the narratives holding you back, and create a life rooted in authenticity and self-worth.
Explore My Coaching Programs to begin your healing journey today.
